The Madaxeman Blog

Is this for real....?

2009-12-01T23:41:00.000Z

I'm all for doing our bit to support those who fought for our country in various wars, however....

Lost Phone

2009-11-13T21:47:00.002Z

I'm really not sure I believed this one...

WD-40

2009-11-13T21:42:00.002Z

I suspect the one can of WD-40 I bought will last for my entire lifetime.

So what's with a "2 for 1" offer...?

Ikea and Free Trade Coffee

2009-11-13T21:17:00.003Z

This sign tells me that Starbucks buy more Free Trade Coffee than anyone else in the world.

Surely that must allow them to really screw those f---kers waaay down on price eh?

Ikea Product Names

2009-11-13T21:11:00.002Z

It must be difficult to make up ridiculous names for thousands of products and use them in multiple languages across the world without getting at least a few rude ones slipping in there sometimes.

Hands up who thinks this might be an example..

Healing stones

2009-11-08T10:38:00.001Z

If certain types of rocks, minerals and crystals genuinely do have life enhancing properties, how come the people working in the shops that sell them always look so pale, miserable and sickly?

Posted with LifeCast

Al Quaida cashflow issues

2009-10-19T17:17:00.002+01:00

Just thinking about my previous post, in today's highly competitive job-seekers economy maybe other people have also spotted this news?

Maybe as we speak ex-Lehman Brothers managers are busily composing emails to be sent to Osama Bin laden (via his LinkedIn account).

"Dear Mr Bin Laden

I recently read that your organisation was experiencing somewhat of a cashflow issue in recent months, and as a result I wish to make you aware of my experience and qualifications which may allow me to be of assistance, and to therefore enquire whether there is a possibility of taking up a permanent post within your organisation.

In my most recent post with Lehman Brothers I was responsible for generating vast sums of money almost quite literally out of thin air, with only a computer screen for assistance. This sort of experience and skillset I feel would undoubtedly be of value to Al Quaida given that many other ways of raising money which require more conventional business assets such as a substantial staff, manufacturing base or other infrastructure may prove difficult to attain and maintain in Afghanistan right now, what with the lack of power, water, buildings and people due to US air strikes, remote drones and repeated artillery and ground attacks by a variety of western army personnel.

Given access to the appropriate level of initial investment I am sure I could quickly establish Al Quaida as a leading force in the international money markets, and due to the differential trading schedules this project could be undertaken only during the open house of the UK and US stockmarkets, leaving you free to continue to use your webcam and email account to record and disseminate messages to your worldwide PR list of media outlets in the remaining 8-10 hours per day.

My experience with Lehman Brothers following the near collapse of a number of Western economies has also direct relevance to assuming a post with your organisation, as as an investment banker I have during the last 12 months gained substantial experience of being fiercely persecuted by the entire Western media and also many Governments, yet like yourself I too still have managed to avoid being subject to any legal process or period of incarceration.

I have attached a copy of my CV, which lists my previous employment, my hobbies (I have recently developed an interest in both mountain climbing and caving) and I have also attached a covering note which goes into more depth on my personal role in the near collapse of Western Society - a subject which I understand is of keen personal interest to you also.

I look forward for hearing from you in due course.

Your sincerely

Mr Banker"

Al Quaida short of cash?

2009-10-13T14:39:00.001+01:00

Al Quaida are running short of money according to CIA.

Maybe they should move to paying their suicide bombers salaries a month in arrears instead of a month in advance ..?

Listerine

2009-09-03T22:21:00.003+01:00

Listerine has on it's instructions the note

"do not swig from the bottle"

Now, if you've ever used a mouthwash, I'm guessing you swigged from the bottle. That's what you do. That's how it is used. By everyone.

Saying "do not swig from the bottle" is like Porsche selling cars with notices saying "do not drive fast or overtake in this product" It's like expecting an MP not to fiddle their expenses.

Why not just cut to the chase and have on the label "if this product doesn't work like we promised, well tough cheese as we had our fingers crossed behind our backs when we said it would make your breath smell better and your teeth last longer. Nah Nah Nah Naaaah stoopid!!!"

Posted with LifeCast

Electric Toothbrush Heads

2009-09-03T22:21:00.001+01:00

They cost about a million pounds each, yet you still have to click on the little coloured ring yourself. Surely they could have actually finished them before they left the factory?

Posted with LifeCast

Sewn Up Pockets On Mens Jackets

2009-08-09T09:53:00.002+01:00

When you buy a new jacket the pockets are usually sewn up. This is apparently because the jacket will hang better, and therefore look better if the pockets are sealed.

You could argue that pockets that arent open, and a jacket - with pockets - that looks better without them, are both examples of products being sold that are not fit for purpose.

Imagine if the jacket logic was applied to cars for example

" yes sir, this Ferrari does have brakes, but we disabled them as it looks a lot better for the Ferrari brand if you don't brake for corners."

Posted with LifeCast

Carpet Shop Sales

2009-08-03T17:01:00.003+01:00

Every carpet shop in the country - and probably the world - works on the basis that huge day-glo signs in the window advertising

SALE! SALE NOW ON!

HUGE SAVINGS ACROSS THE STORY!!

CARPET-TASTIC BARGAINS GALORE!!

Now, I'm no expert but surely carpets are things that you buy erm, when

your old one is worn out,
you spilt something really bad on the last one
you redecorate the house and the colour no longer fits

To my mind, none of these are really situations where the presence of a "SALE !!" is going to prompt you into action.

"Hey Brenda - there's a sale on at World of Carpets today s0 hurry up and chuck that glass of red wine on the floor over there pet!"

"50% off at Carpet Zone - stone me, thats fantastic AND unusual - get the roller out Kevin, I know we were going on a 2 week holiday to St Lucia, but this is just too good a chance to miss - we'll be redecorating the lounge this fortnight instead!"

And surely everyone in the world has realised that the sale runs for the best part of 365 days per year, so whats the point in offering the kind of call-to-action incentive to "buy now" that a wild sale represents anyway?

I suppose technically they must have a day or so where things aren't on sale, or they;d be nailed by trading standards for offering "made up discounts"... now, that must be a grim day for Mr Carpet Salesman mustn't it...?

Pregnant Women

2009-06-29T18:23:00.002+01:00

Ever noticed how pregnant women absent-mindedly stroke their "bumps" every now and then?

It's clearly some sort of subconscious reaction, which probably signifies that they are trying to establish a maternal bond with their as-yet unborn child... either that or they are subconsciously weighting up whether they could get away without going on a diet ever again.

Old people

2009-06-21T19:03:00.002+01:00

Where do old people buy trainers (sneakers?). Those shinky-clean white ones that look like little vinyl dogen cars strapped to their feet?

Whenecer I try and buy a pair of trainers to wear down the gym, I struggle to find any which are toned-down enough for me to wear to actually do sports - most seem to have day-glo stripes, wild laces, and odd splashes of colour all over them - never mind soles that look like they have been ripped out of the underside of a high-tech aircraft undercarriage.

But old people seem to be able to effortlessly find shoes that are so clearly devoid of any sort of sporting style or potential that it looks as if its been sucked out of them with a vacuum pump.

Maybe there is secret "Old Folks Sneaker Barn" somewhere that sells sports shoes for the nearly dead? It also must have the worlds supply of shell suits - as you can't even buy them anymore from a dodgy scouser dole-ite, except if you are old...

Listerine

2009-05-28T23:53:00.002+01:00

Swine Flu

2009-04-29T23:42:00.003+01:00

Isn't it strange that the World Health Organisations response to the threat of a Swine Flu epidemic was to call a conference of Health Ministers and Flu experts?

Because for me, bringing a group of people who work with flu sufferers in different hospitals all around the world, and then locking them in an air conditioned room for 2 days doesn't sound all that clever right now...

Somali Pirates

2009-04-13T13:53:00.004+01:00

Pirates are roaming the high seas again, stealing oil tankers on a daily basis.

The world response seems to fall into two categories. Either pay the ransom, or send in "special forces" to rescue the stolen vessels.

But neither of these are paticularly satisfactory, as one involves giving in to these pirate's demands, and the other involves risk to the lives of the crew of the stolen vessels.

I feel even the most cursory quick glimpse at the history books would throw up a third, far better option. Because, being Pirates, its obvious that if left alone for some time they will be looking to bury their loot on a desert island somewhere.

So rather than pay the ransom, just find the treasure - and dig it up later, once they have gone!

Its not even like you'd need to "find" a tattered old map at the bottom of a trunk that once belonged to your Great Uncle Silas to get directions to the island is it - as we are hardly talking about a chest of dubloons that can ne hidden beneath the third palm tree from the left?

No need even for deployment of satellite tracking technology - I'm sure even a brief glimpse at an atlas would throw up a very short list of the number of palm fringed beaches in the world where you could succesfully bury a whole oil tanker?

Today's Superhero's

2009-04-08T10:15:00.003+01:00

If Superman, Batman, or Spiderman were around in the real world today, imagine how difficult their lives would have become.

In the good old days, they'd swoop down from tall buildings and save the girl, biff the robbers stealing money from a bank, and foil the evil mastrermind's plot to take over the world.

But today to achieve the same results they'd probably have to plan and execute a nationwide media campaign warning young women of the health dangers of excessive alcohol consumption and exposure to the UV rays in sunlight, set up a truly effective and inclusive global banking oversight committee with a failsafe system of checks and balances which would not undermine the ability of such insititutions to attract top tier talent even though their bonus cultures would be being radically redrawn, and also reform the industrial manufacturing capacity of India, China, Russia and the US in a manner which greatly reduced carbon emissions without significantly putting up manufacturing costs or creating social unrest as a by-product of mass unemployment caused by the increased manufacturing efficiencies of bringing in new technologies.

And they'd have to try and get people to take them seriously whist doing all this wearing a lycra bodysuit.

The New Dyson Ball

2009-03-06T13:47:00.004Z

The new Dysaon Ball vacuum cleaner advert is available to see below:

Now, this is of course very clever sounding stuff.

However last time I looked, most (well, in fact all) the rooms in my house were pretty much "square". Straight walls. 90 degree corners.

In fact, I've just gone and checked, and there is not a single curved wall or floor -based surface in the whole place.

So why is it a problem if my vacuum cleaner goes in straight lines?

Of course, its impossible to criticize Mr Dyson, as he is already recognised as a bona-fide British Genius.

But you do have to ask what sort of genius really...

Manufacturing a bagless vacuum cleaner is one thing.

But making one that is only really suitable for Lighthouse Keepers, and then persuading the rest of us that we simply MUST have one in our homes as well - now, that takes REAL genius!

Whats the point of this offer ?

2009-03-04T17:25:00.002Z

Two for one on WD40 !!

Who needs TWO cans of WD40?

One can is enough to last a lifetime.

The only reason anyone owns two cans is because they lost one, needed to oil something, and then found the original can after they'd gone out and bought a new one.

Trying to sell two cans of WD40 as a special offer is like having a "buy one get one free" offer on artificial legs, but only redeemable against left legs.

Pay Toilets

2009-03-04T14:35:00.005Z

Last week at Londons Charing Cross station I decided it would be a good idea to "spend a penny" before getting on a train.

However the toilets at Charing Cross have a cost to enter - which had just been raised to 30 pence (up from 20 pence before apparently). So spending a peny would cost me 30p - not great value really, especially in these times of economic hardship...

So, with this in mind for 30p I decided that - with the benefit of a copy of the evening paper - I should spend a little more time there than planned (aka " laying down a dead otter", curling one off) and so get better value from my investment in entrance money.

This seemed to make perfect sense at the time, however in retrospect this did strike me as being a somewhat worrying brand of logic.

Because taken to it's ultimate extent it probably meant that there must be a toilet-based price point at which I may feel compelled to upgrade the return on my investment from merely "spending a penny" up to engaging in George Michael"-style toilet based activities.

hmmmm....

Muffins

2009-02-23T13:54:00.003Z

Whats with Muffins?

When I was a kid, we had "cakes". Some had icing on them, some didn't. Some had bits in them, some didn't. Some were big, some were small.

That's 8 possible variations of size, coverage of icing, and bits or no bits. None of those variations had any right to take preference over another, they were all equal and together in a big socialist world of cake-based edible things. Nowadays however, a "brand identity" has taken over part of this happy egalitarian cake paradise.

Big cakes, without icing, and with bits in them, have employed their own PR agent. They are no longer simply "big cakes without icing but with bits in them".

They are Muffins. And they are everywhere.

How did this happen? And Why?

Surely "small cakes with icing sugar on them" were once the most likley candidate to break away from the herd - the Cheryl Cole of the cake community's own "Girls Aloud", just waiting for some cute name - maybe even cemeting their de-facto ownership of the phrase "cup cakes" in the process? But no, "big cakes with bits in them but no icing" managed to steal a march on the crowd.

I however have a theory. It's to do with sheer doggedness and determination. And the proof is on the counter of the next (cheap) coffee shop you go to.

Next time you see a "muffin" thats comes in its own plastic bag, just check the sell-by date. I guarantee you'll be amazed - and horrified.

Long Life doesn't even begin to describe how long these evil cakes can apparently last. Often measured in years rather than months or days, Muffins have won the cake battle through the simple expedient of becoming the culinary equivalent of the cockroach - the only food type capable of surviving a nuclear war.

And with such longevity, they already have designs on greater victories, and more impressive conquests.

Just think. A manned trip to Mars would take 21 months to complete.

Which is well within the design parameters of most of todays leading edge Muffins.

Yes, this is what I'm saying.

I believe Muffins are even now hatching a plan to colonise the stars ...

Credit Crunch Logos

2009-01-30T10:39:00.003Z

I rarely re-post this stuff that comes in by email, but these amused me

Specasvers Edith Piaf Advert

2009-01-15T10:05:00.004Z

This is the latest advert from UK eyewear chain Specsavers. It uses the inherent English lack of understanding of foreign languages (in this case French) to make a joke that Edith Piaf is in fact singing the same words as appear in the sutitles.

The song title "Je ne regrette rien" ("I regret nothing") is however a sufficiently well known French phrase such that it would be understood and recognised by most viewers. The song therefore ties in well with Specsavers ongoing campaign slogan "You should have gone to Specsavers" - i.e. you will regret it if you choose another retailer.

All well and good. But for anyone who actually needs glasses, surely this advert will just appear as a short film of Edith Piaf singing in French, with some smudged and largely illegible words appearing below it?

Which is hardly going to help Specsavers very much at all is it?

Pretentious Signage

2009-01-06T16:33:00.003Z

As seen at Guernsey Airport Food Court (ie cafe).

I'm guessing the "Technical Fault" was that the toaster was broken....?