The Madaxeman Blog

East European Waiting Staff

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:50:00 +0000

Every waitress and waiter in London is not only East European, but the were training to be a Doctor in Eastern Europe before they came over to London.

Now, call me a cynic, but I can't quite see it.

Is there a specific lecture about 2 years into every Eastern European medical degree in which the lecturer accidentally slips in "...oh, and by the way, you could earn more as a waiter in London than you ever will as a Doctor in Eastern Europe..." at which point the entire class ups sticks and heads off to the nearest airport served by EasyJet, clutching a pair of black trousers and 2 clean white shirts?

The Ryder Cup

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:08:00 +0000

This years Ryder Cup was played at Valhalla in Louisville, Kentucky.

Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was actually played at Valhalla, home of the Viking Gods and chosen destination for great war heroes slain in battle ?

"Padraig Harrington lofts his tee shot up high, high into the air here at the fifth. Its looking good, looking straight - but whats that? A big fat Norwegian bird with pigtails riding a flying horse has swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air and is carrying it away off the course!" That's a very unfortunate dropped shot for the Europeans on what could turn out to be a vital hole.. "

Smoothies

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 17:24:00 +0000

Now, as a modern man, having a pureed fruit based drink isn't in itself a problem for me.

Ordering one says "I care about my health"

It says "I know the government guidelines and I am trying to have my 5 portions a day"

It says "I have the originality to order something that is not coffee or tea"

It says "I am not a slave to corporate global marketing and Ican choose not to buy overpriced branded soft drinks sweetened with excessive amounts of sugar"

However, there is still something that I struggle with.

When I get to the counter and survery the list of ingredients up on the board , its relatively easy to choose the one I actually want even though the choices are legion.

But often I end up ordering something I don't really want, just because it's the only one one onffer with a name I would be prepared to hear myself speak in public...

After all, who wants to ask for a "Peachy Smooch", or a "Summer Passion Burst" - or a "Creamey Delight" ??

How about "Hello, I'd like a Tropical Dream please" ? You may as well admit you also have a paid of George Michael white speedos in your back pocket ...

Even worse are those that try to be constructive. The type you get in those healthy shops where you can add blended grass to your drink, and all the customers fight over the copy of the Guardian on Saturday magazine. Why in the middle of such a place would you publicly admit you want to buy something called a "Go Faster Master" or a "Brain Booster" ??

If you ask for a Brain Booster as a take-away it's basically exactly like asking the shop assistant to short change you.... as you will be half way down the street by the time it kicks in and you realise.

Running The United Nations

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 08:58:00 +0000

Once upon a time the UN was led by the wonderfully named Boutros Boutros Ghali.

More recently it was Khofi Anan. (thanks commentee)

Who presumably was just "Khofi An" before he realised that his suitability for the post would be enhanced by doubling up part of his name.

So, given this all seems quite obvious and easy, why did anyone bother with a petition on the Downing Street website to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister of the UK?

Surely it would just have been easier for him to change his name by deed poll to "Jeremy Clarkson-Clarkson" and then he'd have been a shoo-in for the top job at the UN ?

Would have made the Georgia situation a lot better than that French bloke managed. Instead of Sarkozy faffing around ineffectually trying to organise a Russian withdrawal, Clarkson-Clarkson would have just pitched up in his stonewashed jeans and said "Right Putin - its me, you & Hammond, we take one T80 tank, one 8-wheeler armoured personnel carrier, and one 1976 1.1 litre lime green Skoda Favorit with beige interior and no air conditioning (for the Hamster) - first one back across the border into Russki-land wins enough petrol to burn a hole in the Ozone layer!"

Safe Places to Live In Modern Times

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:53:00 +0000

With Global Warming causing hurricanes, floods, and all round Biblical levels of devastation across the globe, the choice of where to live is becoming rather more important, and - lets face it - somewhat tricky.

However I can offer advice. Its simple, easy to remember, and is Guaranteed to keep you, your pets, and your belongings, totally safe in these meterologically challenging times

Simply make sre to choose your home on the basis of its proximity to either:

a/ A School

or (even better)

b/ A Community Center

(Ideally actually live in a converted School or Community Center.)

Barn conversions - no good. Converted Churches - maybe, but still no.

Why?

Well, you muist have noticed that these two types of buildings are ALWAYS where people evacuated from their homes due to natural disasters end up being temporarily housed. So, they must be safe, dry, above the flood waters...... so presumably if you live in one, or near one, you can be fairly sure that you will also be safe from whatever Mother Nature can throw at you ...

Invest in buying up old Community Centers and turn them into luxury flats - thats the sure fire way to beat the property crash!

(I think I must have missed the period in world history when the edict went out from the United Nations to tell all member states to make sure their Schools (and "Community Centers") were built to higher specifications than most nuclear bunkers.)

What goes......

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 11:51:00 +0000

Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;

...?

Answer:

The audience in a Cinema showing Star Wars - The Clone Wars animated feature.

(thank you Martin & Joe)

Plastic Bags

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 22:30:00 +0000

British supermarkets are waging war on the plastic bag

In ever more fervent efforts to be Green, they all now encourage you to re-use bags, or they sell you high quality reusable ones.

But, being a bloke, this causes immense problems. Because I am unable to remember to take a bag with me to the supermarket. Its a biological impossibility for a bloke to leave the house with a bag that contains anything other than his sports kit or dirty laundry (sometimes both).

So, whenever I now get to the checkout, I have some namebadge-wearing till-worker looking down her nose at me as my shopping piles up at the end of the conveyor and I look frantically for the plastic bags.

Inevitably she then asks me "do you need a bag?"

But thats not what she means.

Oh no.

"Do you want a bag" is really a form of retail shorthand for :

"If I handed you a club instead of a plastic bag right now, I bet you'd be straight off to Canada to hit some baby seals on the head with it.
And on the way you'd probably stop off to inject CFCs from your old fridge into the eyes of some dolphins.
Dolphins you'd catch in a net whilst fishing for whales.
Using nuclear waste as bait.
And you'd leave all the lights on at home when you went.

You evil PLANET KILLING SCUMBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Its actually like that - I swear..

King of Shaves

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 12:03:00 +0000

My choice of shaving gel, King of Shaves, proudly claims it has not been tested on animals

Whilst the thought of diligent researchers removing the facial hair of monkeys, rabbits and sad looking dogs does sound a little unnecessary, my suspicion is that the real reason went something like this:

Researcher 1 " So, what shall we test this on then?"

Researcher 2 "You mean, what animals should we shave ?"

Researcher 1 "Yes. maybe dogs - or perhaps rabbits ?"

Researcher 2 "How about Guinea Pigs?"

Researcher 3 " Its a no brainer. Beavers"

(lab collapses ino childish hysterics, never to recover.... )

save food!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:42:00 +0000

The world food crisis is now part of the great environmental disaster overtaking the world...

Everywhere food prices are rocketing leading to mass startvation and an upturn in sales in LIDL at the expense of Waitrose.

To help save the planet we are being told to throw away less food and reduce wasteage.

I guess that means as organic stuff goes off really quickly, the people who told last week to buy organic to save the planet were different to the people telling us to throw less out this week then...?

(maybe they are? maybe they will get together and have a fight?)

Guantanamo Bay Trials hit the mark

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:31:00 +0000

GUANTANAMO BAY U.S. NAVAL BASE, Cuba (Reuters)

A jury of U.S. military officers convicted Osama bin Laden's driver on charges of providing material support for terrorism on Wednesday.

Later this week they will be convicting his pilates instructor for providing lumbar support, the man who sold him an X-box for providing IT support, his underpants for providing athletic support, and a small brass band lost on the way back from Pontefract for providing musical support.

Andrei Arshavin

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:04:00 +0000

Zenit St Petersburg in-demand midfeild dynamo and playmaker Andrei Arshavin is attracting much interest from the top clubs around Europe at present following his match-winning displays for Russia in the recent European Championships.

However, its worth noting that his name does sound a lot like "Arse Shaving".

So whoever he ends up playing for needs to be careful which squad number they give him.

Imagine if its Chelsea, and they buy him to replace their midfield dynamo No4 Claude "that Makelele role" Makelele - which is entirely possible.

Each week when the team lineup is read out over your average dodgy premier league tannoy system, you may well hear....

"Cole arse shaving Essien"

(Ashley Cole - Chelsea No3, Micheal Essien, Chelsea No5)

Friends (the TV repeats)

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 18:02:00 +0000

There are 10 full series of the US sitcom "Friends"

The show is in near constant syndication around the world

Wherever you go , whatever time of day or night, switch on the TV and keep flicking - you will always find that one channel will be showing an episode of "Friends".

238 separate episodes were produced in total.

That means you could watch one every day and it would take you nearly 9 months to get through them all.

So why, whenever you flick onto any channel showing "Friends" anywhere in the world, is it always showing the episode where Ross dresses up as a potato and has a fight with Chandler - who is dressed as a pink rabbit ?

Germany vs Spain

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:22:00 +0000

78 minutes

Euro Final

Substitution

Gomez comes on

For Germany................

63 years aftr the fall of Nazisizm, and 21 years after Red Wedge, Racism is now finally dead in Europe

totally unacceptable

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:19:00 +0000

being caught taking either a book or a newspaper into the toilet with you - on an aeroplane.

Coast 103.2

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:07:00 +0000

The latest in the Radio Stations with the Playlist From Hell series is Dubai's Coast 103.2

This amazing back-to-back sequence was on the early evening show

Yes, uber-contemporary Coldplay the darlings of the Wallpaper* reading classes, followed immediately by 80's cash-in tour refusenick and internet phenomenon Rick Astley.

Not so much a playlist, definately not a rickroll, more the sort of malfunction in a 200Gb iPods shuffle function that would make you throw it away.

Fulham vs Hull Prem Season 2008-09

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:17:00 +0000

Premier League champions Manchester United will begin their title defence against Newcastle at Old Trafford on the opening weekend of the new season.
Also on 16 August, new Chelsea manager Luis Felipe Scolari will start his tenure at Stamford Bridge with a home game against FA Cup winners Portsmouth.
West Brom face the toughest test of the newly-promoted sides, with an away trip to Arsenal's Emirates Stadium.
Stoke travel to Bolton while play-off winners Hull will play Fulham at home.
Manchester City boss Mark Hughes will take his new side to Aston Villa, while his former team Blackburn face last season's fifth-placed finishers Everton at Goodison Park.
Liverpool travel to the Stadium of Light to play Sunderland, while Middlesbrough host Tottenham at the Riverside Stadium.

I always thought Fulham would probably be opening their season away at Hull for long periods of last season.

Now its come true... but not exactly as I expected...

Global City

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:10:00 +0000

Tonight I've been watching Germany vs Austria with 2 Germans in an Aussie Bar surrounded by Indians and Filipinos in a hotel in an Arab country that had earlier that evening served us pork in its Italian restaurant.

Go Figure....

Surely not an ideal shop to work in?

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:24:00 +0000

"Yes sir, we have a new arrival of stock expected later today"

My TV Makes its Own Political Comment

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 05:46:00 +0000

My cable box has channel information on it.

This means you get a blue bar at the bottom of the screen for a few seconds each time you change channel.

It tells you which channel number you have selected, the name of the channel, and - usually - what programme is on now, and what is coming up next.

But for some it takes a more hardline editorial stance.

Consider its views on CNN for instance:

lets see that again....

Dubai Kitchen

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 19:00:00 +0000

this is my kitchen in Dubai

the hood for the cooker is rather low.

in fact it's almost perfect eye poking-out-height for someone of my not unusual six foot height

which puzzled me for a while, as it doesn't seen the best design idea

until I realised that it's probably been built like this on the assumption that most cooking in Dubai is done by a small phillipino lady who also looks after your kids and irons your shirts as well.

Skiing in the Desert

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 15:13:00 +0000

This is Ski Dubai

It's in a shopping center

There is a cafe next to it calles The St Moritz Cafe, decorated like a ski lodge and which is dotted with 42" plasma TVs set into stone fireplaces showing a loop of video of a roaring log fire.

Apparently - according to the local paper - its very energy efficient, as it is extremely well insulated. This means it only used 2% or 3% more energy to chill it down to -2 inside during the summer when compared to the (20 degrees cooler outside) winter!

Really, there's nothing more to say about it!

Burj Dubai

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:24:00 +0000

from Defence Roundabout (AKA The Roundabout of Doom)

Dubai Traffic Signals

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:13:00 +0000

Dubai has more than a few oddities in its road layouts and traffic signals.

There is the common, high tech invisible roadsign which says "to turn left, start in the right hand lane and swerve across 5 lanes of traffic HERE"

The classic "the exit you needed was the last one" - often combined with the "no, I know we signposted the exit 5kms ago, but now you are nearer you just have to guess"

But this is one of my favourites, as it has a strong visual identity, clean meaning and is so common.

Yes, these high visibility red and white barriers cum signs are everywhere in Dubai, but most usually along both sides of 6 lane 120kph (+) highways.

Their meaning is always the same.

"If this red and white sign is in a lane adjacent to you car ON EITHER SIDE, the lane you are travelling in may - or may not - end suddenly, without any other warning sign or indicator, and at any time. It may merge with the next lane, or it may simply terminate. The precise location at which the lane terminates may change at random, and on a daily basis".

Not in an 80's & 90s hour Radio !!

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:33:00 +0000

This might actually become a regular feature.

Radio stations that play 80s and 90s tracks wthout any comment, "that was the year" theme time quiz, historical anecdote, band-member related contextual item.. or indeed apology.

They just turn up unnannounced as just a regular song in the playlist.

Today, this beauty made its way onto the breakfast airwaves of Catboy & Geordie Girl on Dubai 92.0

Republica.... !!

view from my apartment in dubai

noreply@blogger.com (Tim) — Wed, 28 May 2008 14:22:00 +0000