Mismatch Mayhem

THE ORIGINAL's MATE JASON - Burton 2000 It's a game of skill / Its a game of Dice...but sometimes it's no game at all!.....

SPIKED! - A Flank March doesn't go astray... Sometimes its better to run away...and sometimes you have no choice!

DOH! - Thats what friends are for....lets discuss the best plan with our mate , shall we...?

GUFF-PHWOARH! - Bent double with.... the weather can ruin the best laid plans......

POUR YOUR SCORN ON ME - Wet and wild in Wales.... the weather can ruin the best laid plans......again!

BUS-T'ed FLUSH - Wa-gones The terrain can ruin the best laid plans......

 

'twas a cold cold morning in....

Burton upon Trent....the home of Beer

Mick, Tim, Dave, Jason....the four musketeers (plus Dave's mate..) We had all been on the lash all night, eaten the curry, made the trip to "Nutter's All Night Disco" in fact it was the full 9 yards wargames weekend experience.....but there was gaming to be had the next morning. Mick & me were Khmer - ing it big time, and were sitting pretty on 10 points after an undeserved pasting from Bob & Bruce the morning before.

Young Jason, having been deserted by an unreliable motorcyclist, was all alone - a doubles team playing solo...

Also with 10 points

But with the Flower of Serbian Empire Chivalry under his command...

Beer had brought us together.

But unbeknownst to us, the draw that morning was destined to drive us apart...

 

In the Red Corner: Loads of Knights

 

In the Blue Corner: Even More Elephants

 

As the Romans would say....."Serbius, Lave Pronto"

 

SPIKED!

kindly provided by Angus Osborne

I once played a campaign game commanding a Sub-Roman British army, mainly of Sp(I) against double the AP of Saxons, virtually all Wb(S).

Can You see which Window the Warband are hiding in Today, Children?


Understandably I was desperate to do all I could to keep my Sp(I) out of combat for as long as possible, so I decided to flank march as many as I could.  I decided to put them into the flank that was lined with a BUA and wood, figuring that if both my Sp(I) and his Wb(S) had -2 on their factors it  would be slightly easier to destroy the Wb(S), while no more likely that the Sp(I) would be destroyed.

Meanwhile I was going to take on all 60+ elements of Wb(S) with 6 Kn(F). This didn't start too well when my C-in-C was isolated and destroyed by enemy psiloi, but otherwise was showing signs of promise. 

Then my flank march turned up.  I of course threw a 1 on the PIP dice, and was only able to bring on my Kn(F) general.  Shortly afterwards I threw another 6 so had to bring on all the rest of the command.  It was then that I realised my mistake.  Since almost the entire flank-edge was covered in difficult going I had to bring everything on as single-element-wide columns. 

I was only able to bring on 18 elements, but unfortunately had to leave 10 out of 29 elements off-table, which counted as lost, and were enough to break the command. 

Which broke the army.

 

Speedbump!!!!!


In competition, I had a Bosporan army, facing a Thracian. Despite being invaded, the Thracian elected not to put down any terrain (well, 2 smooth gentle hills), then deployed his phalanx of 30+ Auxilia in the middle of the board, directly facing my Bosporan Kn. It only took three moves to reach him, and after that, a pure and simple massacre ...

(thanks again to "firefall")

 

Doh!

.

It was whilst I was playing with "Big Roly". Our Neo-Babylonians were in some trouble from a Middle Assyrian army and we decided on a big risk strategy which involved riding our Cv(S) over the top of a RGo hill and charging the Bd(F). The thought process ran along these lines:

"we're in the RGo, we'll be on -2"
"that's OK, we'll be uphill"
"And they'll be in -2, so that makes 2-1 to us, and they're (F) and we're (S)"
"Let's do it"

It doesn't take a genius to spot the flaws in the plan and to work out what happened next, especially when we discovered our reduced move didn't take us over the crest of the hill....

We did get our own back when they tried to run down 12 Bw(I) with only 4 Cv(S) (one of whom was a general) - this could have been a game winning move for us if we hadn't been so completely clueless earlier.

Have you ever wondered how such a powerful empire as the Assyrian disintegrated so swiftly? Perhaps the following true story gives ancient scholars a clue...

In the Colchester round of the 1999 SOA Doubles, I was partnering Andrew Sherrington. We took Later Sargonid Assyrians with Skythian allies and after a draw and a big win on day one we were well placed. At the end of the evening we went out for the traditional beer and curry - rather too much of both!

The next morning, we got up and hauled ourselves along to the venue to discover we were playing the excellent Eric Doman and Kevin Johnson with New Kingdom Egyptians. During the car journey, my guts had started to cramp despite one dump before breakfast. Andrew was also suffering, but there was (of course) a queue for the toilet so we had to wait. 


We started to set up and Eric and Kevin put down only 6 pieces of baggage - we are sure therefore that they were flank marching. We moved off to have a quiet chat, clutching our aching stomachs. We started to discuss whether we should also flank march - which would involve us working out whose was likely to be biggest - or whether to screen/ignore the threat while trying to crush the rest of their army quickly.

We were just debating the pros and cons when Andrew muttered something. At the same moment I decided I had to sit down - it was either that or (poo) myself. As I sat down down next to him, I asked my standing partner, "What did you say?" Andrew replied, "I said 'Don't sit down, I've just farted'" My face was, of course, level with his arse and just at that moment my nostrils were assailed by THE most awful goddamn smell I have ever known.


Forgetting my own problems, I leapt to my feet in a desperate, life-preserving, instinctive movement - exclaiming loudly at the horror of it. Several  people, including our bemused opponents, looked round to see me bent double, one arm clutching myself, the other waving frantically, trying to dissipate the foul odor.


All attempt at rational analysis was by then quite hopeless. All we could manage was to decide to ignore the flank threat, because to try to work out whose march was biggest would have required a level of concentration which was impossible.

We were, of course, punished for our gastronomic and malodorous sins. Eric threw a 6 first bound for the flank march (yes, ours would have been bigger!) and we were pretty much doomed. Hampered by remorse, I then proceeded to turn a disaster into an empire-destroying calamity by losing the CnC through a dumb mistake and it was swiftly 0-32. 

The Assyrian empire was no more.  

(thanks to Richard Angell.... and I know I should try and be more original with the pictures, but when i found this one I just had to use it twice... and I put it in Mismatch mayhem, because of the obvious...... "Your face, my Arse" !)

Whether or Not

The scene: first game at Usk, Table 13 (note) v John Lavender's Palmyrans with our Middle Imperial Romans. As we like our artillery to shoot up cataphracts we were keen to avoid rain, so (without looking at the weather rules) I chose summer. I then threw a 6, John L threw a 1 - thirst. Never mind, we'll put down a river. Oh. No river on the Palmyran list. So the only water source was a miniscule BUA, on a hill, on the enemy baseline, guarded by all the Palmyran infantry.

We lost, two turns after the thirst became effective.

I realised later that you can't have rain in Dry anyway...

(thanks to John Graham-Leigh)

Pants moment from Leed's Doubles.

Never listen to strange men in car parks.

Using the Hussite with Polish allies at the recent Leeds Doubles a true moment of pants maneuver occurred.

We had lost a war wagon to archery fire in the first game by an outnumbering attack on its corner.  The factors had ended up at 2 vs 2 not good for WWG's.

My partner whom to be fair is new to the game mentioned this during a cigarette break.  Marshes reduce archery fire to a single rank came
the sage like advice.  Now this advice is sound, archers are weaker in difficult going. 

The next game terrain time plenty of mashes go down, one nicely placed to protect an advancing corner of the WWg battle array.  The
plan was that the marsh was big enough to keep us out of range of all but single ranked archers, against whom we should win. 

The archers not being stupid marched around the said marsh to threaten our flank.  In a moment of genius we moved two WWgs into a
marsh.  This   action did not effect their shooting ability, the car park guru was correct.  However the now Linford Cristie like Ps(O)
who were dashing towards us had recognized the move for what it was, PANTS.

Train take a -2 penalty for close combat in terrain, yes WWg are train.  The only move 50 paces so cannot get away.  The factors are
now 1 vs 2 to the PS(O) before any overlaps.  And to add insult to impending injury they cannot kill Ps(O) who merely flee.

We promptly lost the two WWgs to the Ps(O) and break points in Hussite armies being what they are, the game.

Moral learn your troop definitions and beware the smoking sage.