Dark Ages Gaming at Dogs of War 2017
Rus vs Feudal Spanish
Game 5 of the epic saga of a weekend, and another DBM army from the mists of history appears across the table - Feudal Spanish & Portuguese.
Almughavars are a mainstay of the army, Impact Foot with Elite morale making potentially dangerous opponents for the pedestrian wall of spikes that makes up the Rus.
The lists for the Rus and Feudal Spanish from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Dogs of War can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
In another fortunate terrain game, my one dimensional army ended up with its preferred one-dimensional terrain yet again, with the Waterway on the right this time and the village next to it.
L'Art de la Guerre hint - Waterways and villages need to be diced for. To get them both, and have the Village in the middle of the table is lucky. Getting a Waterway needs a roll of 4+, getting village also needs 4+ and for the village not to be on the edge of the board needs a further 5 or 6 in the placement roll.
The Spanish had their Almughavars in the middle, flanked by Spearmen and Knights - this was to be a battle plan even less subtle than that of the Rus and Vikings who has again deployed exactly the same way as in the previous games.
Trembling at the thought of Igor Sikorsky's three-forked father's right foot, the Rus marched forward to see their flank rest on the protective corner of the village. The Rus Abbott was part of the unit with the yellow Raven banner, and was facing plenty of enemy knights
As if possessed by the long-dead soul ofOlaf the Goat-Impregnator's heathen axe, the Viking and Rus skirmishers furiously showered the onrushing Almughavars with bowfire as the two armies closed at near warp speed
Exciting head-on train crash!
On the left flank of the Rus army the Spanish somehow had managed to extend their line past that of the Ukrainian warriors, and now the Rus were in the unusual position of standing back and seeking to delay combat as the enemy inched forward in expectation of a convincing overlap on this flank.
The mixed crossbow and spear formations of the Spanish should be easy meat for the Rus in combat, but relentless shooting from the Spanish crossbows was knocking big holes in that plan as the Rus crept forward.
Trembling at the thought of Steffan the chicken-castrator's platted boxer shorts, the Rus line girded it's loins for imminent combat across almost every unit frontage on the while table..
And they are in! The armies slam together in a WWF-style clash of civilizations and cuisines
Driven forward by throughts of Olga Kurylenko's goat-rogering helmet, the Rus and Vikings come off decisively best in the initial rounds of combat, devastating the Almughavars in particular with some terrific combat dice and blowing a massive hole in the Spanish line, and also their plan
Led by their Valkyrie-toting leader, the Vikings in particular use their 2HCW and Elite status to its best advantage and slice through the looser-formationed Almughavars leaving devastation in their wake. The Vikings are now in a position to roll up the Spanish line in either direction in their next turn.
On the left the Spanish are faring much better, and the Rus are grateful for the foresight of previous game which has taught them to leave a couple of units in reserve to try and plug any gaps - like this one -and stop the enemy Knights causing havoc in the rear areas.
As the Elders back in the villages prayed to the gods of Vladimir Klitschko's filth-encrusted goat-scrotum, the Vikings are turning into an Almughavar-shredding machine, widening the gaping chasm in the heart of the Iberian army in every round of combat.
Driven forward by throughts of Mila Kunis' stinking nasal hair, adjacent to the village the Rus Abbot bravely leads his men forwards as well, chewing up the better armoured knights in a display of relentless hilarity not seen since the days of his epic partnership with Les Dennis
Russ and his men are through as they skewer the Spanish knights and drive onwards into the rear of the enemy lines!
Striking back, the Spanish also punch a hole! Russ will need to come to the rescue now...
Urging themselves forward with thoughts of Frigg's platted goat-scrotum, on the opposite flank the Rus spearmen fight valiantly as they are overwhelmed by a swirling sea of Spanish knights!
As if bewitched by the scent of Olga Kurylenko's hairy toilet paper, the Rus Abbott creates an atmosphere of victory as he returns in triumph and takes on the rear of the Spanish nobles
What an Atmosphere!
Even as the Rus Abbott was doing his worst on the hindquarters of the Iberian cavalry, the opposite flank was starting to go badly wrong as the Vikings came under attack from more Spanish Hidalgos - the Rus reserves had not been numerous to stem the gaping wound in their front line created as the Spaniards exploited their breakthrough with vim and vigor.
Inspired by the spirit of Olaf the Goat-Impregnator's chicken-hearted huge helmet, the Rus now hold the centre of the board with no meaningful opposition left to oppose them. They now needed to turn out to the flanks - exploiting the success on the right, and also shoring up the debacle on the left.
The Rus Abbot knocks it out of the park and takes down the last remaining Spanish knight. This battle now looks almost won, at least on this flank.
With the left holding firm and a solid run of victories across the centre and right the Ukranian forces record another victory !
Inspired by the spirit of Frigg's dog-bitten helmet, the Rus casulaties look on in admiration at their victorious - and alive - comrades from across the River of Death
The Result is a great win for the Rus.
Read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Rus Commander
This is the start of a glorious 5 year period, which will inevitably be a significant improvement on what was almost certainly the best 5-year period since the previous 5 year period of planning and success. Tractor parts for everyone, let's have a vodka!
The proletarian revolutionary forces have demonstrated the innovation and flexibility that our capitalist class enemies believe is impossible for us to undertake and shown that ultimate victory is only moments away at any point in time. As long as we can maintain formation and roll dice, the forces of history will be with all of us, apart probably from the Crimean Tatars, who would be much more effective on a flank march to Siberia of course.
The big question for all of us to consider is whether this army should be rested for a long time, or whether the forces of cultural inevitability mean it turns out again and again to place 2 Dragons figures on tables across the country and the continent?
On the positive side, it would be a great drinking army - Vokda all round! - however I do believe that the boys have earned their holiday so perhaps it's back in the drawer for them until another round of the revolutionary struggle demands their return...
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
One plan, just one plan, executed with no imagination for 5 games, and still it is the last of these 5 games before it's main flaw is exposed. Your plan needs a line longer than the enemy, but your troops are too expensive to make that line longer than most enemies. Shocking.
And as well as the whole 'longer line' thing, you also seem to have found out yet again that not having enough skirmishers to absorb enemy shooting is often quite a big problem - a more aggressive enemy ganging up on your left wing instead of charging down the middle would have overwhelmed your already battered troops after they had been softened up by shooting. Your would have had no answer to this, so it is only luck that it did not happen.
The saving grace of this one dimensional army is that the figures are indeed quite nice. That is what makes a report comprised of a whole series of basically identical pictures of 2 lines of troops smashing into each other borderline endurable - otherwise there is nothing to see here.
I wonder when this army will be seen again, or indeed if a more interesting version of it, with allies on horseback, might one day appear. But if you are thinking about using that Russ Abbott so-called joke again, please don't.
That's the end - so why not go back to the Match Reports Index and read some more reports?