FoG:R Thirty Years War in Oxford 2012
Later Imperial Spanish vs Early TYW Swedish
As another day dawns over the Oxfordshire countryside, once again the forces of Spain are pitched into a desperate battle to preserve the priority of the Vicar of Rome over all things temporal and spiritual - including one might suspect, offering blessings for the cup of proper coffee bought in a local service station on the way to the venue, which that morning was accidentally without electricity and thus also hot water for tea
The lists for the Later Imperial Spanish and Early TYW Swedish from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Oxford can be seen here in the FoGR Wiki.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!
Yet again terrain cluttered the table in spectacular fashion, leaving a textbook "it's a bit too small to jam all of my troops into" gap between the hairy edges. Having played Lance and his Swedes before, I knew to expect a defensive formation and I was not disappointed as the by-now traditional Flint-esque cotton wool puffs of smoke representing battalion guns blossomed across the field of play. But this time I had 4 guns, so thinking that time is on my side and I could wait and do nothing
Even Spanish TV news had nothing to report
But the devil will find work for idle hands to do and soon the Spanish were sneaking forward on the right, where a small advantage could possibly be sniffed out
Despite being replete with Guns, Elite and Superior infantry, and all manner of goodies, the Spanish soon contrived to get themselves in a right mess by allowing their one unit of Average Horse to be targeted by the Swedish gunners and immediately lost a base at much the same time as the Spanish dragoons dropped back into the enclosed field which was surely their one true and rightful home. What a great place to attack huh?
All of the Spanish flooded forward - in an army overflowing with Superior and Eliter Tercios, the cutting edge was now a unit of Average Armoured Horse and 4 Dragoons. The Swedes were rocked back on their flat pack self assembly heels by the sheer affrontery of this ridiculous Iberian initiative
The Swedish Dragoons had been unable to stick around, and fled into the woods, probably to collect mushrooms or Lingonberries or some other swedsih non-elk-based delicacy. This left a unit of not-so-clever now Commanded shotte overlapped on every side possible, and sort of technically caught in the open by the Spanish Caballos Corzas....
But the Swedes were made well and had been screwed together properly by someone with a powered version of an 8-sided allen key - they withstood the initial charge with the help of a nearby General
There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the thread. Guess what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...
Whilst this unlikley assault had been going on, the Swedes had moved up some of their commanded-out shotte to occupy a vineyard on the Spanish right. A fierce exchange of musket-balls was ongoing, but the defensive capabilities of the common vine were surprisingly effective and the Spanish, sat in the open, were coming off far worse in the firestorm
Far worse suddenly turned into catastrophic as the Swedes blew away the Spanish infantry unit leaving a big gap in the Spanish flank - the Spanish artillery were now exposed, and a second unit of foote was next up in the firing line for the detached infantry in the vineyard. The Caballas Corzas in the distance were also losing cohesion against the overly-competent 2-strong Swedish shotte
The entire right flank was clearly now turning from opportunity to a near-certain loss of enough units to break the Spanish army... this prompted the Spanish who had been playing a waiting game in the middle to lurch forward... they were already looking at trying to score some points before their army collapsed.
Q: What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?
A: Critical Mass
Shambolic dice rolling left the Caballas Corzas at Fragmented - they had failed to beat 2 infantry in the open. Ouch
In a puff of smoke the Spanish horsemen broke and fled.... where was the flank, where was the situation that looked like it was going to be an stepping stone to victory?
The Spanish Dragoons were next to be vaporised as the Swedish Dragoons moved back up, opened fire and reduced the Spaniards to autobreak levels.
Swedish horse steamed through the gap, spoilt for choice between 2 sets of guns and the Spanish baggage. 3 units down, 3 defenceless and a 7th (the German Mercenary foote unit in the foreground) starting to lose bases as well. Nasty
Look, I know it's a bit late for this period, but hey, it's still cool and the sound effects alone are probably worth playing in the background as you read this report
The last Refuge of the Incompetent.... as the German infantry decided to form square.
In the middle the decent Spanish troops were getting close to being in combat - smoke wreathed the battlefield as the Swedes opened up with their batallion guns at short range
Finally - a great result almost counting as a victory in its own right, as the Swedish unit on the far left of their line broke and was eliminated almost exclusively by artillery fire.
The incompetent Germans broke..... the guns and baggage were now undefended
The Swedes were struggling to choose which targets they could attack next
Time was running out so quickly that the Spanish Cuirassiers were tempted into a rather ridiculous charge into a formed unit of Pike and Shotte - waiting for the full set of Spanish infantry to join them would be another turn, and the loss of the babbage was so imminent that there may not be any more time for this concerted attack
But a long forgotten unit, the Spanish Hussars, manage to overwhelm another 2-strong unit of commanded shotte on the left. It is the final victory which comed before utter defeat.......
The Result is a resounding defeat.
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Later Imperial Spanish Commander
Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Mi arse fue pateado, Chrissy Waddle not, Andy Carroll si si si.
Sven Goran Ericksooooon, yakkitiyak venito toncilaitis! Swedish attack no commeciamento, cumulus nimbus rain on my parade. Hethethethethethetheth pethethethethethetheth!
Ha Bazooka! No skiritou yakkidah el cakehole. Foxes biscuits, disastro emergica realisado. Lavato pronto opto multio encore! encore!
Svenska tacticos unusualamente, text analysis termino, rules republica con militar coup, rewite proximo.
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
Beg that thou may have leave to hang thyself after such a shameful display of serial incompetence. What on earth were yo uthinking to - after such a positive start of sorts - to lead an attack with your worst troops? Those horsemen are not intended for combat, and are barely fit to provide fertilizer for your gardens never mind hare off into the woods to try and run down supported infantry. Admittedly it could have gone better, but it in reality went about as badly as could be imagines - nay, not imagined, forseen... as you got stuck, outmaneuvered, and overwhelmed
And what a base dunghill villain and mechanical, I'll have thy head looked upon by a physic in case it is bereft of brains - how did you ever think that 4 shotte in the open could take down 8 shotte in cover? What....!!! Destined to lose, and all you needed to do to swing the battle in your favour was simply to do nothing. Wait outside, oout of range and you are safe - but the devil does again find work for idle hands to do... and it found you a way of losing the game in short order.
Frankly I am surprised you even lasted to the end of the game, as your opponent must have been tempted to replace you himself if only to try and provide some opposition capable of piquing his interest in the dullard spectacle that he was forced to watch as your men threw themselves away before his arrayed yet immobile troopers
Out played and out maneuvered by a static defence. The ultimate shame...
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