Dark Ages Gaming at Dogs of War 2017
Rus vs Feudal Spanish
Game 5 of the epic saga of a weekend, and another DBM army from the mists of history appears across the table - Feudal Spanish & Portuguese.
Almughavars are a mainstay of the army, Impact Foot with Elite morale making potentially dangerous opponents for the pedestrian wall of spikes that makes up the Rus.
The lists for the Rus and Feudal Spanish from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Dogs of War can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
In another fortunate terrain game, my one dimensional army ended up with its preferred one-dimensional terrain yet again, with the Waterway on the right this time and the village next to it.
L'Art de la Guerre hint - Waterways and villages need to be diced for. To get them both, and have the Village in the middle of the table is lucky. Getting a Waterway needs a roll of 4+, getting village also needs 4+ and for the village not to be on the edge of the board needs a further 5 or 6 in the placement roll.
The Spanish had their Almughavars in the middle, flanked by Spearmen and Knights - this was to be a battle plan even less subtle than that of the Rus and Vikings who has again deployed exactly the same way as in the previous games.
Animated by the spirit of Mila Kunis' stinking goat-scrotum, the Rus marched forward to see their flank rest on the protective corner of the village. The Rus Abbott was part of the unit with the yellow Raven banner, and was facing plenty of enemy knights
Russ Abbott is ....Cooperman
As the Elders back in the villages prayed to the gods of Milla Jovovich's dog-bitten string vest, the Viking and Rus skirmishers furiously showered the onrushing Almughavars with bowfire as the two armies closed at near warp speed
Exciting head-on train crash!
On the left flank of the Rus army the Spanish somehow had managed to extend their line past that of the Ukrainian warriors, and now the Rus were in the unusual position of standing back and seeking to delay combat as the enemy inched forward in expectation of a convincing overlap on this flank.
The mixed crossbow and spear formations of the Spanish should be easy meat for the Rus in combat, but relentless shooting from the Spanish crossbows was knocking big holes in that plan as the Rus crept forward.
Driven forward by throughts of Andrey Shevchenko's flame-singed shield, the Rus line girded it's loins for imminent combat across almost every unit frontage on the while table..
And they are in! The armies slam together in a WWF-style clash of civilizations and cuisines
Urging themselves forward with thoughts of Mad Igor's chicken-hearted stinkfart, the Rus and Vikings come off decisively best in the initial rounds of combat, devastating the Almughavars in particular with some terrific combat dice and blowing a massive hole in the Spanish line, and also their plan
Led by their Valkyrie-toting leader, the Vikings in particular use their 2HCW and Elite status to its best advantage and slice through the looser-formationed Almughavars leaving devastation in their wake. The Vikings are now in a position to roll up the Spanish line in either direction in their next turn.
On the left the Spanish are faring much better, and the Rus are grateful for the foresight of previous game which has taught them to leave a couple of units in reserve to try and plug any gaps - like this one -and stop the enemy Knights causing havoc in the rear areas.
As many men fell under the baleful influence of Steffan the chicken-castrator's monstrous armpits, the Vikings are turning into an Almughavar-shredding machine, widening the gaping chasm in the heart of the Iberian army in every round of combat.
By the hairs on Milla Jovovich's stinking toilet paper, adjacent to the village the Rus Abbot bravely leads his men forwards as well, chewing up the better armoured knights in a display of relentless hilarity not seen since the days of his epic partnership with Les Dennis
Russ Abbott in Masterbrain
Russ and his men are through as they skewer the Spanish knights and drive onwards into the rear of the enemy lines!
Striking back, the Spanish also punch a hole! Russ will need to come to the rescue now...
By the pale light of Sergey Bubka's hairy huge helmet, on the opposite flank the Rus spearmen fight valiantly as they are overwhelmed by a swirling sea of Spanish knights!
Driven forward by throughts of Olaf the Goat-Impregnator's dog-bitten hammer, the Rus Abbott creates anAtmosphere of victory as he returns in triumph and takes on the rear of the Spanish nobles
What an Atmosphere!
Even as the Rus Abbott was doing his worst on the hindquarters of the Iberian cavalry, the opposite flank was starting to go badly wrong as the Vikings came under attack from more Spanish Hidalgos - the Rus reserves had not been numerous to stem the gaping wound in their front line created as the Spaniards exploited their breakthrough with vim and vigor.
As if bewitched by the scent of Vitali Klitschko's goat-rogering missing eye, the Rus now hold the centre of the board with no meaningful opposition left to oppose them. They now needed to turn out to the flanks - exploiting the success on the right, and also shoring up the debacle on the left.
The Rus Abbot knocks it out of the park and takes down the last remaining Spanish knight. This battle now looks almost won, at least on this flank.
With the left holding firm and a solid run of victories across the centre and right the Ukranian forces record another victory !
Urging themselves forward with thoughts of Olga Kurylenko's monstrous pants, the Rus casulaties look on in admiration at their victorious - and alive - comrades from across the River of Death
The Result is a great win for the Rus.
Read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Rus Commander
Me, my hair and I return refreshed from this stunning victory which casts a shadow of great beauty across the featureless steppes of our wheat-covered homeland. From this day forth I will send my men in boats upriver, despite knowing that there are many cataracts and waterfalls which they will have to go past on foot, so they can join the great city of Constantinople as mercenaries, and bring back nice brooches to go in my hair.
The secret of securing the right terrain is a decisive one, and whilst it does admittedly mean that all of the games are pretty much the same - especially when combined with identical tactics and strategy - a win is a win huh, and let no man say it is not.
Next time I may dispense with the Vikings entirely - they are foul and unkempt people who cannot be compared in any way to the brave men of the Rus Empire. More spears is always the way to go, and perhaps more of those square shields too. Yes, that would be good.
With three victories and two very unlucky defeats I feel that we must have skirted the edges of trophy land in this competition, and perhaps I will begin to enjoy the combination of fear and satisfaction that comes from winning through resilience - but also teetering on the edge of defeat - a little more in another outing for the brave Rus!
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
I cannot decide whether your unimaginative tactics, poor list design, or the appalling deployment of Russ Abbott gags was the worst part of this tragic battle report - but Les Dennis' presence actually tips it in favour of the Abbott I'm afraid. I may never recover from a surprise rendition of "Atmosphere"...
Against an opponent less keen to get away and be on the M4 to beat the traffic on a Sunday afternoon may well have seen a different result, as your army hardly stretched from sea to shining sea, did it? There was a hige gap on your left wing - unsurprising given Stalin's lack of appearance in command of the army in this game perhaps - which a half-hearted attempt at redeployment with his knights could have found and exploited.
In this game as in many others, the saving of points by not armouring the Vikings could so easily have cost you dear - if you are going to have good troops, make them as good as you can, and scrimp and save elsewhere. And that shortage of skirmishers could agin so easily have seen you hit by the arrows and crossbow bolts of outrageous fortune - damaging your combat ability, and, in theory at least, losing the game simply by having so many of your men vulnerable to being shot without reply by eney skirmishers. Ouch
It has been an unedifying weekend of linear combat, in which it took you fully 3 games to work out the value of reserves, and where your tactical ineptitude baregly staggered above first base. I hope that we will see this army again, as they are great figures, but hopefully also in a far more ambitious and less one dimensional list composition perhaps with allies ?
That's the end - so why not go back to the Match Reports Index and read some more reports?