The Early Dark Ages at The Dorset Dodderers 2026
Justinian Byzantine vs Justinian Byzantine
Game 1 Justinian Byzantine vs Zapotec
Game 2 Justinian Byzantine vs Justinian Byzantine
Game 3 Justinian Byzantine vs Thematic Byzantine
Game 4 Justinian Byzantine vs Arab Conquest
Game 5 Justinian Byzantine vs Classical Indian
Game two at the Dorset Dodderers. By now all of the old folks were up and mobile, had had their morning tea and biscuits and were just about managing to stay awake as we entered the phase of the second round
This game would be a match up between two Byzantine armies both of them Justinians, one commanded by Justinian Bieber, and the other (scratches around for famous Justins) by, erm Justinian Trudeau, the Byzanto-Canadian usurper!.
This would be a real test - would my brand newly painted list playing for the first time be a match for Robin's battle hardened internationally travelled Justinian force?
The lists for the Justinian Byzantine and other Justinian Byzantine from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at The Dorset Dodderers can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
To say Robin's Trudeau-esque list was different to mine was an understatement
Most notably he had heavy artillery (can you believe it?) that was positioned slap bang in the middle of the table, effectively bisecting the terrain with a corridor of heavyweight rock throwing fury manufactured from Canadian timber no doubt.
All the top quality double armed Buccalarii were together on facing my right flank, with a big block of infantry spearman and archers position next to the artillery, and then over on my left a smaller cavalry wing
Being unsure how or what the army would facing me would consist of I had deployed my troops spread out across the table prepared for an enemy to advance upon - but clearly this enemy was going to be staying put with artillery, and of course a gentle hill on which their cavalry stood standing as defensive bastions
OK let's scratch that concept of the enemy Bukelarii staying put on top of the hill!
Their first move was to advance down from the mountains as if a horde of ice hockey fans heading for the bigcity lights, and straight towards my own quality cavalry. In repsonse I quickly redeployed as many of my own top rated strike troops as quickly possible to match them.
Doing the maths I could already see there was an opportunity here to try out the brilliant and innovative military strategy of "having more of the same stuff in one place than my opponent and seeing how it goes".
Little Known Facts About The Justinian Byzantines
Contrary to popular belief, the famous Byzantine combined-arms doctrine nearly collapsed after a disastrous attempt to introduce synchronised marching chants inspired by travelling entertainers from Gaul. Survivors of the experiment described entire formations of infantry becoming hopelessly out of step while cavalry officers argued over harmonies.
Belisarius himself allegedly banned further musical innovations after a unit of Armenian spearmen attempted to accompany a night assault with cymbals “for dramatic effect,” thereby informing the Goths of their exact location.
For some unknown reason these two Byzantine armies had elected to fight on an open plain which also harboured an enormous almost perfectly spherical marsh - maybe a homage to the melting tundra of the Canuck north?
This near impassable yet still quite squelchy terrain feature quickly filled up with my multi-coloured Light Infantry, as my spearmen decided now was the perfect time to try to invent their own military paradigm and split their already meagre numbers in two so they could go haring after two entirely different targets either side of the sweaty, smelly swamp
On the other side such subtleties such innovation such cleverness were all nowhere to be seen
Here two lines of near identical cavalry had lined up and started staring each other down. My line was bigger
But Robin's line had a hill to fall back on - and the threat of the long range artillery
All sorts of interesting action was starting to develop around the marsh
The incompetence and random motion that could be seen in the movements of the troops of both sides must surely have puzzled any frog or Great Lakes Northern Shores Salamander of a military bent who was resident in the marsh
Even were Napoleon himself to have spawned a tadpole-based offspring, it too would be scratching its head simply trying to workout just what the hell either side thought they were going to achieve over here.
As expected and foreseen, Trudeax/Robin's cavalry had fallen back to the position they initially occupied on top of the hill, anchoring the right hand side of their line on terrain and drawing more and more of my Justinian cavalry into range of the artillery
My men pressed forward bravely, looking to outflank the countless hordes of hilltop-grasping Byzantines - but at the same time taking opportunities to hurl themselves towards some now revealed bowman
How to create a Justinian Byzantine Army List
Frankly there were just too many targets or certainly far more than I had cavalry to comfortably deal with all at the same time
The bowmen looked especially squishy in their oversized hockey jerseys, and the risk of running across the face of one heavy artillery piece seemed very much worth taking for my cavalrymen - especially if the enemy bowman would cooperate by choosing to crumble immediately, thus exposing the flank of the enemy's Skutatoi.
With the enemy now stretched almost the width of the entire North American continent (as if waiting for Michael Portillo to arrive and hop on a train) in response to my outflanking force on the far right hand side of the table
Their block of cavalry suddenly broke in two, allowing me to match it with my own cavalry whilst still saving two of the best units in my mounted force to go and run down the unwisely standing-in-the-open enemy Justinian bowmen
OK, I was now outnumbered on the right but but that surely could wait, as the opportunity to punch through several other units of enemy cavalry and bowmen was too tempting - perhaps also opening up a route to the artillery beyond?
OK shall we have a talk about this whole "bowman are very squishy when standing in the open against cavalry charges" thing?
Right now my newly painted Justinians were very sceptical that this key section of the rules they had been promised existed was in fact one which had been committed to black and white ink in the ADLG rulebook. The enemy Byzantine bowmen had just - to put not too fine a point on it - kicked their ass, against all the supposed "odds"!
The attempt to bottle up the enemy Byzantine's left wing was going equally well
My light horse had managed to outflank the Canado-Justinians line but then got bogged down fighting against a semi-Hunnic archer
The rest of my cavalry, outnumbered and now being comprehensively outshot, were starting to be whittled away too.
This was now not so much a holding action as a way of frittering away troops for no gain whatsoever.
The soft quivering underbelly of the enemy Justinian army was now on the offensive
Their jubilant, victorious maple-syrup-swigging bowmen rushed forward, finishing off some of my cavalry by working in close concert with their own mounted warriors
Even the long march of half of my Scutatoi around the marsh was now in trouble as they lined up to try to become yet another unit brave enough to face the awesome close-combat power of the Byzantine bowmen
Little Known Facts About The Justinian Byzantines
Justinian’s reconquest of Italy was briefly endangered by a severe shortage of parchment after military clerks began producing elaborate illustrated campaign maps complete with decorative sea monsters and inspirational slogans. One surviving fragment appears to include the phrase “You Are Here” pointing somewhere near Naples.
Several officers became convinced these maps possessed mystical properties after a successful ambush in Campania, though sceptics noted the enemy had simply marched directly into a swamp while attempting to avoid paying bridge tolls.
My holding force had by now completely lost its grip, being shot to pieces by enemy cavalry who swept down victoriously off the hill to try to close out the game and finish off the quivering wreckage that was all that was left of my army.
Hapless in shooting, Hapless in combat, and outfoxed by an army whose tactic was simply to stand there and shoot
This was an ignominious day for the newly painted Byzantines against their more battle-experienced cousins.
Things were now getting to the stage of the game at which any casualty I could inflict would be welcome.
Victory was already out of grasp so it was merely a question of seeing how many destructive points I could cobble together in the forthcoming, and very imminent loss
Little Known Facts About The Justinian Byzantines
The imperial navy under Justinian reportedly experimented with fitting dromons with decorative bronze eagle figureheads designed to improve crew confidence. Unfortunately, the added weight caused several ships to sit dangerously low in the water, leading one admiral to complain that his fleet handled “like a drunken hippopotamus.”
Despite these setbacks, naval officers remained fiercely proud of Byzantine maritime superiority and frequently referred to the Mediterranean as “Rome’s private lake,” even while being pursued by exceptionally determined Vandal pirates.
This was the final sad scene
Cast your eye across the field to see if you can see any of the top quality newly painted Byzantine Cavalry?
Only a few remain
The only small saving grace was the final erasure (at the very last knockings) of the enemy Byzantine's Heavy Artillery piece, which had caused me so much consternation
But really the true victors were the bowmen and mounted archers of the event, working in concert with one another and showing enormous fortitude in holding off everything I could throw at them
The Result is a crushing defeat !
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from Justinian Bieber, the Byzantine Commander
Citizens of the Empire, loyal soldiers, and especially the legal officials currently investigating this entirely unfortunate misunderstanding of a battle — I stand before you today not as a defeated commander, but as the victim of circumstances so bizarre, so unfair, and frankly so un-Byzantine that future historians will scarcely believe them.
First of all, let us address the so-called “victory” of Justinian Trudeau. Was it honourable? No. Was it glorious? Certainly not. Was it aggressively Canadian? Absolutely. The man spent half the battle politely waiting behind defensive lines while hiding behind an enormous siege engine the size of Hagia Sophia itself. Apparently in this new civil war, one does not seek battle like a proper Roman commander. One simply parks a gigantic bombard in the snow and waits for the other side to become annoyed enough to attack it.
And naturally, the moment my forces advanced with courage, style, and excellent musical sensibilities, the enemy archers began firing as though possessed by the spirit of Mars himself. Their cavalry too fought with unnatural energy. I ask you this: since when do Byzantine horse archers from Ontario charge downhill screaming war cries with the enthusiasm of drunken Varangians at a maple festival?
Something was clearly amiss. Rumours spread through the ranks that Trudeau’s army had somehow “put fire in their bellies.” Some kind of northern barbarian alchemy perhaps. Syrup-based stimulants. Heated wine. Motivational speeches by Katy Perry. Whatever the cause, their men fought with suspicious intensity while my own troops were forced to endure freezing winds, poor acoustics, and frankly devastating levels of emotional negativity.
And yet despite these impossible conditions, did I panic? Never Say Never, as I always tell my generals. I remained calm, poised, magnificent even. While lesser commanders might have fled, I executed what military scholars will one day call a “strategic redistribution of morale assets.” Some ignorant people have called this “retreating into the woods,” but true artistry is rarely understood in its own age.
I also wish to address the outrageous criticism aimed at my cavalry. People say they were outshot and outfought by enemy troops equipped almost identically. Well of course they were! Trudeau’s horsemen spent the entire campaign sitting still in defensive positions drinking hot beverages and listening to inspirational poetry from Katy Perry. My own riders had spent weeks conducting glorious offensives, looking fabulous, and carrying the entire emotional burden of this civil war upon their shoulders.
Besides, let us not forget that several of my subcommanders completely misunderstood my tactical instructions. When I ordered them to “Hold Tight,” they interpreted this literally and refused to manoeuvre. When I commanded the reserve cavalry to “One Less Lonely Girl” on the enemy flank, they apparently spent twenty minutes trying to locate an unmarried woman somewhere near the baggage train. This is not a failure of leadership. This is a failure of listening skills.
And what of Trudeau himself? He claims this victory proves he alone can lead the Empire. Yet I noticed that once the fighting ended, he immediately began posing heroically beside siege engines while Katy Perry sang triumphal hymns nearby. Curious behaviour for a man supposedly devoted to military duty. A true Roman emperor would never turn a battlefield into a theatrical performance. That is my thing.
So yes, the day did not unfold exactly as envisioned. But history will remember that Justinian Bieber stood against impossible odds: oversized artillery, unnaturally motivated Canadians, suspiciously accurate archery, and weather conditions clearly designed by heretics. Defeat? No. This was merely a temporary interruption in my Purpose.
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
"Ah yes. The Great Canadian Civil War of the Byzantines. A sentence so catastrophically ridiculous that even the gods must occasionally pause to laugh. Two men named Justinian — one a silk-haired balladeer from the frozen forests of maple syrup, the other a sanctimonious imperial prince apparently bred in a monastery dedicated entirely to smugness — smashing Roman armies together in pursuit of glory. Scarcely believable. Had I not witnessed the reports myself, I would have assumed the entire affair was devised by drunken playwrights attempting satire too absurd even for Athens.”
“Now let us dissect Emperor Justinian Bieber’s explanation for his defeat, for it deserves preservation as a masterpiece of delusion. Bieber claims the battle was lost due to ‘unexpected operational complications caused by battlefield fluidity.’ Observe the elegance of this phrase. In ordinary language it translates roughly to: ‘I scattered my army across half the province and forgot where the important parts were.’ The man deployed infantry so far from the fighting they may as well have been touring vineyards. Entire cavalry formations spent the battle wandering uselessly through dust clouds searching for relevance like unemployed minstrels searching for taverns.”
“Bieber insists his dispositions were part of an advanced strategic encirclement. Encirclement? My dear over-moisturised Caesar, an encirclement requires your forces to eventually arrive somewhere meaningful. What occurred instead was that Justinian Trudeau concentrated his army properly while Bieber deployed his own troops according to what I can only assume was the random scattering pattern of frightened geese. At the decisive point of battle, Trudeau possessed infantry, cavalry, reserves, cohesion, and common sense. Bieber possessed excuses.”
“The central absurdity of Bieber’s defence lies in his insistence that his inactive infantry were ‘holding strategically vital ground.’ Vital to whom? Archaeologists? Shepherds? Future generations of confused cartographers? While his best troops stood idle guarding terrain of no consequence whatsoever, Trudeau smashed directly into the exposed Byzantine centre. The battle was not lost through bad luck, treachery, weather, or divine intervention. It was lost because one commander understood concentration of force while the other apparently believed battles were won through abstract artistic interpretation.”
“And then there is the cavalry. Sweet Tanit preserve us from the cavalry. Bieber claims they were ‘positioned flexibly to exploit emerging opportunities.’ This sounds impressive until one notices no opportunities were ever exploited because the cavalry spent the day positioned approximately three geological eras away from the actual combat. By the time some squadrons finally reached the battlefield, Trudeau’s army had already broken the Byzantine line and was likely discussing dinner arrangements.”
“Naturally Bieber now insists Trudeau’s victory was achieved through ‘rigid orthodoxy’ and ‘predictable operational doctrine.’ Yes, indeed — Trudeau employed the scandalously unfair tactic of putting soldiers where they could fight. Revolutionary stuff. One imagines Bieber regarding this with the same astonishment he once reserved for enemies occupying hills. If Trudeau had somehow discovered the additional innovation of tying Bieber’s shoelaces together beforehand, the battle might have ended before lunchtime.”
“And truly, what else should one expect from Canadians pretending to be Romans? These are people who apologise while stabbing each other. Their war councils likely begin with discussions about politeness and conclude with massacres conducted in impeccable grammar. Bieber at least possesses the manic confidence of a man unaware of his limitations. Trudeau, meanwhile, radiates the chilling competence of an imperial tax official who has personally memorised every regulation concerning grain tariffs. Together they have transformed Byzantine warfare into a conflict between theatrical vanity and aggressively bilingual bureaucracy.”
“Bieber also complained bitterly after the battle that his troops were ‘fatigued from manoeuvre.’ Well yes, naturally. When an army spends the entire day marching back and forth correcting the Emperor’s increasingly desperate deployment errors, fatigue does tend to arise. Hannibal marched armies across mountains, deserts, and hostile republics while pursued by superior enemies. Yet somehow I still contrived to ensure my infantry arrived at the battle itself.”
“No, let us speak plainly. Bieber lost because he mistook theatrical movement for strategy, overconfidence for genius, and complexity for sophistication. He constructed a battle plan so elaborate that only he himself could possibly understand it — which unfortunately also meant nobody else could execute it. Trudeau simply formed a coherent army, identified the isolated enemy centre, and crushed it with methodical efficiency. The entire campaign resembles a duel between a chess player and a man attempting to win by dramatically throwing pieces around while singing emotional ballads.”
“And yet, even now, Bieber emerges before the survivors declaring that history shall vindicate him. History! My poor deluded troubadour-emperor, history is not written by confidence alone. It is written by men who remember to place their soldiers within walking distance of the battle - perhaps you can learn this one small military factlet in time for the next game?
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition
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Game 1 Justinian Byzantine vs Zapotec
Game 2 Justinian Byzantine vs Justinian Byzantine
Game 3 Justinian Byzantine vs Thematic Byzantine
